Es bar bhi nahi hua: The Saga of the Fallen in UPSC CSE 2024

On the first day of the financial year 2025-26, i.e., 1st of April, 2025, I was in the Audit Bhawan Guest House in New Delhi. I was not feeling well for the last 5 days since I suffered from a mild viral fever. I was a little bit unsettled by its impact on my performance. The next day was the D-day, i.e., 2nd April 2024 – a date I had etched into my memory. That was the day of my UPSC Civil Services Interview 2024. After clearing the Prelims and Mains with grit and perseverance, I had reached what many call the “final battlefield.”

Subsequently, I reached UPSC Bhawan, Dholpur House, the next afternoon since my interview was scheduled in the Afternoon session. At the gate of Dholpur House, I was given the table number to sit in the circular chamber. Once I reached the waiting hall and got all documents verified at the allotted table, I came to know that my board was allocated to the board of Sheel Vardhan Singh, a seasoned intelligence expert with experience in global and internal security. Afterwards, I eagerly waited for my turn with a little bit of timidity.

Moreover, I got a call from the person calling my name to reach the chamber where Mr. Sheel Vardhan Singh was sitting. I went there and waited outside for a few minutes. Thereafter, the ringing bell called me into the interview chamber. I entered the chamber with a smiling face and greeted everyone. The Chairman, Mr. Sheel Vardhan, with a smile on his face, started the conversation by asking –

Dialogues Initiated by the Panel Chair (Shri Sheel Vardhan Singh)

Chairman: “Gaurav! I am reading in your DAF that you are working in the financial sector of the Government of India, where you have been posted in the Insurance Sector as an Administrative Officer.”

Me: Yes, sir.

Chairman: Ok. I was reading somewhere that in the USA, insurance is being provided to aliens? Is it?

Me: Sorry, Sir! I am not aware of this fact. I need to read it.

Chairman: Anyways, tell me something very interesting about insurance so that we could start our discussion in an interesting manner.

Me: Sir, the Insurance sector has been very dynamic and interesting. For instance, insurance was provided to the voice of late Lata Mangeshkar ji. Similarly, the legs of Milkha singh ji were insured. Also, nowadays, Mental health is being insured by the insurance industry as mandated by IRDAI.

Chairman: Good. I am looking into your DAF and got that you are interested in writing the blog.

Me: Yes, sir

Chairman: What is the name of your blog?

Me: Sir, it’s Decoding World Affairs.

Chairman: What is the source of your blogging?

Me: Sir, the source of my blogging has been newspapers, books, reading both fictional and non-fictional, listening to interviews, and podcasts.

Chairman: Which was the last fictional book that you read?

Me: Sir, it was “Parat” by Mr. Sarvesh Tiwari.

Chairman: Tell me the learnings from the book and a snapshot within a minute.

Me: Sir, fictionally, this book revolves around the two parallel stories. First, the emotional relationship between a daughter and a father. Second, it was related to the local panchayat and proxy representation of caste in PRIs. Thereby, it is unmasking the flip side of affirmative action in the local panchayat where the former leaders make their servants fight election so that power remains unaltered indirectly.

Chairman: Gaurav, where do you see the Russia-Ukraine peace deal in the future?

Me: In my humble opinion, temporary peace can be achieved under US pressure. But in the longer run, it may backfire because Ukraine is not happy with the deal and deems it an imposition on Ukraine. In this context, the Treaty of Versailles after WW1 suggests to us that any imposed deal may lead to bigger repercussions in the longer run, where the Versailles treaty led to WW2.

Chairman: Thank you

He handed over to Member 1…

Inquiries Posed by Member 1 of the interview board

Member 1: Gaurav! You have completed your education at Navodaya Vidyalaya.

Me: Yes, sir!

Member 1: What was the idea behind JNVs in India?

Me: Sir, JNVs were opened to provide quality education to meritorious students in each district. It primarily focuses on meritorious students in rural India, where 75% reservation is extended to rural backgrounds.

Member 1: Fine. What is the difference between JNV and Sainik schools?

Me: Sir, JNVs are of a civilian nature school like other schools. While Sainik School focuses on military ethos and discipline in the teaching curriculum, it prepares students for a career in the Indian Armed Forces. In terms of fees, JNV is largely free with a token fee after a few years, while Sainik School charges comparatively higher fees.

Member 1: Gaurav, people are not sending their kids to government schools. What step would you take if you were working in the education department so that they start sending their kids?

Me: Sir, it is an unfortunate reality that people do not like to send their kids to Govt schools today. We need to address their basic concerns that become the reason for not sending their kids.

1. Firstly, we need to implement KPIs in schools too as promised by the new form of bureaucracy, where teachers would be assessed based on their performance.
2. Secondly, we need to improve infrastructure and install computers with high-speed internet.
3. Thirdly, we need to improve nutritious content in Mid-day meals so that their mental development can be prioritized.

He handed over to Member 2..

Line of Questioning by Member 2

Member 2: A long monologue on blogging… “You have been writing a blog. It has been a good platform to express oneself. What is the nature of your blogging?”

Me: Sir, my blog is largely based on my thoughts, i.e., analytical and opinion-based. Also, there is some element of an informative and predictive nature in the content.

Member 2: Thank you

He handed over to Member 3..

Intellectual Exchange with Member 3

Member 3: Today, engineers are not getting a Job in spite of a qualifying engineering degree. What would you like to do to address it?

Me: It is true that there has been a mismatch between the supply and demand of engineers in India. It doesn’t mean that there is a deep crisis of jobs only. UN report says that 37% of the Indian workforce is not properly skilled to be employed.

1. Thus, we need to upskill our engineers to meet the nature of the Job.
2. Also, we need to integrate industries with the engineering college so that they visit the concerned industries regularly to get practical experience.

Member 3: Good, how would you use the learnings of engineering in the administration?

Me: Sir, both attitude and aptitude can be used in administration. For example, though I have been posted in the insurance sector, I am using my engineering aptitude for the motor-related claims. Similarly, the intangible qualities in terms of attitude like leadership skill, problem solving mindsets and pressure handling things are useful for administration as well.

Member 3: Thank you

He handed over to Member 4..

Engagements with the Member 4 (Lady member)

Member 4: Gaurav, I am reading in your DAF that you have accomplished a leadership program in the British Council.. Is it the soft power of Britain?

Me: Yes, Ma’am.

Member 4: What do you understand by soft power?

Me: Ma’am, soft power is basically an intangible power of a state that influences the decision-making of other countries. For instance, India’s soft power on Buddhism is used in India’s foreign where PM Modi in his UNGA speech talked that “India has given Buddha and not Yuddha”. It shows India’s soft power of non-violence.

Member 4: What are the sources of India’s soft power?

Me: Ma’am, India’s soft power is derived from religious philosophies, Bollywood movies, and economic assistance provided by India to its neighbours. For example, India has helped many countries during the Pandemic through HCQ tablets and vaccines.

Member 4: A long monologue on cultural imperialism…. Where do you draw the line between cultural imperialism and soft power?

Me: Ma’am, it is true that there is a fine margin between cultural imperialism and soft power. I would like to substantiate with the help of an example. I was reading somewhere else that China is sponsoring the salary of govt teachers in Nepal in exchange of the Mandarin language to be taught in Nepal. However, India has not compelled any country directly/ indirectly to organize Yoga events on Yoga Day. Thus, an element of coersion will be force to decide between the two.

Member 4: Thank you

He handed over to the chairman..

Final Exchange with the Hon’ble Chairman

Chairman: A long monologue on the Dalai Lama… What is the procedure to choose the Dalai Lama?

Me: Sir, the Dalai Lama is basically chosen by the second-highest person after the Dalai Lama. I am forgetting the designation of the same right now (// At that time, I forgot the term Panchan Lama. I was trying to recall this name//). In this process, it was kept in mind that the person should be deemed as the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. Also, date and time of birth is also considered as important factor.

Chairman: As you were telling in this discussion that the nature of your blogging is predictive. Where do you see the case of the Dalai Lama vis-a-vis India?

Me: Sir, the case of the Dalai Lama has been a bone of contention. China wants to install its own person as the Dalai Lama. However, the Buddhist tradition has been different and free from state intervention. India, being a secular country, believes in the natural selection of the Dalai Lama. Thus, there might be resistance in the India-China relationship on the same issue.

Chairman: From the Chinese perspective, how would you address the issue of the Dalai Lama?

Me: If I think from the Chinese perspective, I would not intervene in the process of selecting the Dalai Lama. I would let them follow their religious tradition. As far as concerns of integrity w.r.t. Tibbet, I would call a delegation of Tibetan Buddhists to the table and address their problem. If they demand more autonomy, I would provide them to address this issue.

Chairman: Thank you, Gaurav. You may go now.

Me: Thank you so much sir… Thank you ma’am…

The interview panel seemed cordial, the questions thoughtful, and my answers, in hindsight, reasonably satisfying. I walked out of the UPSC Bhavan feeling cautiously optimistic.

The Silence After the Storm

The months that followed were filled with a mix of hope and anxiety. I replayed moments from the interview over and over in my mind, analyzing every word, every expression, trying to predict the outcome. Like many aspirants, I had given everything to this exam – years of study, countless sacrifices, and dreams built layer by layer. And then came 21st April 2025, when the final result was about to be announced. On that day, I walked out of my office early for personal work.

In the meantime, I came to know that the result has been announced just a few minutes ago. I rushed to the Telegram Channel to find that PDF. Subsequently, I opened the PDF list of successful candidates with trembling hands. I searched for my roll number once. Twice. A third time. I double-checked for typos.

My name wasn’t there. I missed my selection by only 8 marks.

There’s something eerily silent about disappointment with sadness on the face. It wasn’t just a list I failed to get into. It felt like I had failed myself, my family, my mentors, and the faith of everyone who had stood by me. The hours that followed were a haze and a deep question echoing within.

Lessons Beyond the List

The UPSC journey is often romanticized – the stories of success, the newspaper headlines, the IAS officer who rose from humble beginnings. But what about the thousands who don’t make it? We rarely talk about them. And yet, we too lived the same stories – the early mornings, the late nights, the mock tests, the peer discussions, the ignored social invitations.

And through it all, we learned. I learned resilience, how to sit with failure, and not let it define me. Also, I learned that my worth is not measured by an exam, however prestigious, but by my commitment, my discipline, and my values. I tried to use these values in my office, where I have been put to lead.

If you’re reading this and feeling the sting of your disappointment, remember this: your story isn’t over. This isn’t the end; it’s a bend. And sometimes, the best journeys begin where one road ends.

Support us

Hard work should be paid. It is free for all. Those who could not pay for the content can avail quality services free of cost. But those who have the ability to pay for the quality content he/she is receiving should pay as per his/her convenience. Team DWA will be highly thankful for your support.